Meeting Your Therapist for the First Time

Going to therapy can be a terrifying experience, especially if it’s your first time starting counseling. One of the most daunting parts of therapy is actually finding the right therapist to work with. Not only is it a challenge to find a therapist within your budget who specializes in what you’re looking for but you also have to find one who has openings that work with your schedule, which needless to say, can feel impossible at times.

One of the most stressful parts though is actually meeting the therapist you chose for the first time. You have no idea exactly what they’re going to ask you and you’re not sure if they’re going to be someone you actually want to talk to about all of your insecurities. The whole experience is weirdly similar to online dating and it can be extremely difficult to find the perfect therapist. I’ve been on both sides of therapy, both having gone to therapy myself and now currently as a therapist, and I still get incredibly nervous for that first meeting.

Back when I was a client looking for a therapist, I was lucky enough to bypass that initial process of scrolling through Psychology Today profiles to find the right one because I just went to my university’s counseling center and they just assigned someone to me. Once I scheduled my first session I was excited to get started and finally work through some things. Then the day of my appointment arrived and I was starting to feel my anxiety rise up in me: my heart was racing, my hands were shaky, my shoulders tensed up, butterflies were in my stomach and I couldn't stop thinking about having to meet my therapist for the first time.

I tend to be a people pleaser at times, so for me any initial meeting with someone is extremely stressful because I feel the need to immediately get a good reading on them so I can instantly mold myself into being the version of myself that I think they will find the most interesting. This process is exhausting and ultimately impossible so when I inevitably can’t do those things I start to shut down. Thankfully my default setting is polite and accommodating so most people don’t realize how awkward I feel inside. With multiple people around I tend to be that person who is just listening to the conversation unfold instead of actually being social and adding to it in any way.

Now when it’s a one on one meeting with someone I’ve never met, I’m usually a little awkward at first (stumbling over my words or saying “um” or “like” a lot) but I am decent at warming up to the conversation and starting to feel more comfortable just talking like I would with someone I already know. So when I met my therapist for the first time that’s basically how I reacted, I was nervous for the first 5-10 minutes but I was able to talk like I normally would pretty soon after that.

Therapy is a unique experience where as the client you are usually responding to the therapist’s guidance so there isn’t the pressure of trying to figure out what normal people talk about after both people have already said everything, so now you are scrambling to come up with the next topic while trying not to just stare at them blankly. As a client, it was nice not having to worry about where to go next in the conversation and I enjoyed the experience of being the client.

And then I became a therapist and then I realized that I was the one who had to lead the sessions and direct our conversation to somewhere useful. That was my biggest fear before I had my very first session as a therapist: how was I going to be able to be present in the moment, listen to them and also direct the conversation to be therapeutic? How was I going to manage those transitions in conversation that I typically can’t seem to do in other social situations?

I discovered that I didn’t really have major problems figuring out where to take our conversation in therapy, which was surprising to me. I’m typically an indecisive person and I have a hard time deciding what to eat or what to do in my free time so I didn’t know why I struggled so much in those everyday situations but had no real problem directing a counseling session. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that while mundane decisions felt impossible for me to decide what to do, I usually had no issue with actual problem solving or making decisions for things that mattered.

Problem solving requires you to examine the situation objectively and determine what solution makes the most sense given the pros and cons of all your possible options. The problem with mundane decisions for me was that there wasn’t a clear “solution” to the problem. After all, when you’re hungry and trying to figure out what to make for dinner, other than avoiding food you hate or are allergic to, there isn’t a “wrong” decision, just a bunch of good options. The difference is that my job of being a therapist comes with having a specific personalized agenda and purpose for meeting with someone whereas most social conversations are so open ended that I would become overwhelmed by the infinite possibilities in front of me.

Despite knowing all this about myself, I still get nervous before I meet a potential client for the first time. Turns out that most things you learn in therapy are things you need to actually work on and work through, they don’t just magically disappear once you’re aware of what’s happening and why you’re reacting the way you are. The therapist and client form a unique bond that is unlike anything you typically have in your normal day-to-day life. Afterall who else do you pay to be an unbiased confidant who will do their best to help guide you towards your goals?

There’s something wonderful about a therapist and client working together to further understand and process what has been going on for the client and brainstorm together what the best solutions might be but it can also be a daunting task for both people involved. So my advice would be, for both therapists and clients alike, to just give yourself permission to be honest and genuine. If you’re nervous and don’t know what to say, tell your therapist or client that. I think that most people appreciate it when you just acknowledge the awkwardness, and if they don’t appreciate your honesty, then maybe you two aren’t a good fit to be working together.

Meeting with a therapist or client for the first time is an opportunity for both people to assess whether or not the other person is a good fit to start a therapeutic relationship with. Finding the perfect therapist is challenging but it’s so important that you are willing to turn down a therapist that you aren’t vibing with. Afterall you will have to open up to this person and if they don’t make you feel comfortable I don’t think you are going to get as much out of the experience compared to having a therapist that actually listens to you and seems to understand what you’re telling them.